Have some fun with this tongue-in-cheek handbag horoscope. Any resemblance to actual people or events is purely accidental and frankly quite shocking to the writer. Enjoy.

Aries (March 21-April 19) Take time to channel the excess energy you’re experiencing into pursuing that promotion. The boss is likely to take particular notice of you as you update your professional wardrobe. Using a luxurious leather briefcase (in burgundy or chartreuse) improves your productivity, announces your professionalism and hints at your fun-loving side.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) You’ve been working too hard for too long. It’s time to grab your girlfriends and seek some serious retail therapy. There’s nothing like a new leather tote bag with multiple compartments to keep a girl on track and on task. Who ever said shopping was easy?

Gemini (May 21-June 20) You Twins are divided in what you want to do with the rest of your life. Bumping up to the glass ceiling is wearing you down but are you ready to ditch it all for motherhood? Are you prepared to turn in your laptop case for a diaper bag? You don’t need to forgo your fashion sense for this new calling. Keep your classic career handbags if only to retain a link to your former life.

Cancer (June 21-July 22) There’s no other way to say it: You are a fashion diva. You offer advice and counsel to your fashion-challenged friends. You’ve taken shopping to an art form and your support group meets Wednesdays. Count your handbag collection and be amazed. Well. Okay, one more can’t hurt. Go for patinaed leather, buckles and handmade quality. Add some studs just for fun.

Leo (July 23-August 22) The money problems you have been experiencing over the past six months have finally turned around. Through small sacrifices and incredible discipline you are once again mistress of your bank balance. Sounds like a good reason to splurge on some arm candy. Go for a fun and funky hobo slouch to celebrate your good behaviour.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) Communicate, communicate, communicate. No one is a mind reader. Ask and ye shall receive. We both know what you really want---an oversized satchel in a rich chocolate brown, distressed leather. You could use it to run away from home when things get tense. Kidding.

Libra (September 23-October 22) It is really important to take time for yourself this month. Leave the dishes in the sink, park the vacuum cleaner, wriggle out of car pool duties. Pack a roomy duffle bag with objects of decadent pleasure and take thee to a hotel room for some serious R ‘n R. The ideal bag for this adventure will have sturdy carrying handles, leather construction and room for everything you need.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21) Follow your muse. The journey will provide creative release and profound insights. What you do with what you learn about yourself is strictly up to you. The possibilities are endless. There’s nothing like a gorgeous, roomy tote to carry you through this journey of discovery. The perfect one will have pockets for your journal, colored pens, a favorite novel, scented candle and personal talisman.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) You are experiencing a quiet, introspective time in your life. While you need this space to think through some issues, don’t drive the ones who care about you away. Plan a night of Texas hold ‘em to bring some fun and frivolity back into your life. Won’t you look smug walking away with your winnings in a retro framed clutch?

Capricorn (December 22-January 19) You are in for an exceptional month filled with romance, success at work and an unexpected windfall from an unlikely source. Fashion savvy singles will turn the windfall into handbags before the sun sets. Go for seductive, feminine styles with lots of beading, decorative stitching and tassels. Go with your gut instinct and you will be rewarded with extra attention at the club scene.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) Use the next four weeks to realign your priorities and re-establish some good habits. Your eating and exercise regime have suffered and the results are becoming obvious in lowered energy levels. Get your butt back to Curves. Carrying your shoes, gym gear and water bottle has never been easier or more stylish than with a practical, multi-pocket tote bag. You go girl.

Pisces (February 19-March 20) It’s time to fight the opposing forces in your personality and use your considerable talent and creativity for projects left on the back burner. You will dazzle and amaze yourself and others. Whether you need project notes or files or inspirational words they are at your fingertips in a beautiful burgundy leather briefcase. There’s power in looking the part.